


if it's you

by chansei



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst but mostly fluff, Astronomy, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grief, Happy Ending, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Red String of Fate, Soulmates, actually a love letter to changmins eyes, an unnecessary amount of symbolism, no beta we die like real men, set in gwangju for no reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chansei/pseuds/chansei
Summary: Some people in this world have a red string of fate around their pinky. Younghoon's is burning away.
Relationships: 2 seconds of junew, Ji Changmin | Q/Kim Younghoon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	if it's you

**Author's Note:**

> within all those glittering lights on the horizon  
> you must be hidden somewhere  
> they make me feel nostalgic  
> because i know you're in one of them.  
>  _\- carrying you_

It's cold outside.

His breath turns into little clouds with every step; his hands are cold and his teeth clatter. It's a chilly late Summer night and he feels the icy breeze going by his ears. But Younghoon doesn't care, he just wraps his thin jacket tighter around himself. It's like he's being hugged, except it's only himself.

He lets himself fall onto the ground, flat onto his back once he reaches the clearing. The walk from the city through the forest is long, and is especially tiring in the dark. _But it's worth it_ , Younghoon thinks.

He directs his gaze up and there it is: the beauty of the universe, all layed out and served to him like on a silver plate. Younghoon thinks that everyone should consider themselves lucky - for being able to view such gorgeous scenery every night, from any place.

There's the moon in all its glory, shining silver bright, tinting the dark surface of the Earth just a little silver. If Younghoon squints, he can make out the craters and bright spots on the moon.

And then there's the stars - all around, everywhere, shining dots adorning night black with yellow glitter. _They're each like their own world_ , Younghoon thinks, and thinks that it's wonderful, magnificent, miraculous- he's running out of words.

Absentmindedly he reaches out with his hand, as if to grasp a star and bring it down to hold it close to his chest forever. But it simply stays in the air, hovering over his face like a shadow, although fully bright against the stars.

There's also the string dangling from his pinky - Younghoon usually doesn't pay attention to it nowadays, but at a glance he realizes that it's much shorter compared to... a month ago?

He takes his hand back to inspect it closer, and it's true, what Juyeon's speculated- it's been fading; the end of the thread is slowly burning away with tiny sparks. Younghoon plays with it a bit, twirls it around between his fingers. He notices that it's more loose now, probably, if he wanted to, he could take it off - but he doesn't want to.

Some people in this world have a red string of fate around their pinky. Younghoon's is burning away.

Younghoon lets his arms fall to wherever they land and looks up again. The realisation hits him; he's 24 and still here - here, where's he been so often as a young boy, eyes with stars and dreams, admiring them and - it's like he's never moved one step, always been in the same place.

But now he doesn't know where to look; the sky's like a painting of a huge crowd, a high difficulty hidden object game. A bright star catches his eye; he's sure it's not Polaris, it's in the constellation of Scorpio and not Ursula minor, but he doesn't know its actual name.

It also shines brighter, from where it's in the middle of Scorpio - it's like a heart, the very core keeping the whole thing alive and breathing. Younghoon thinks he wants to name it Q. Just because he feels like it. It feels far away, so unknown but also familiar and so close.

There's a smile tugging at his lips, but he also wants to cry.

There's - a feeling in Younghoon's chest, something he's locked away for an entire month that, here, is breaking free and blooming fully. It's - it's nostalgia.

He parts his lips, slowly uttering parts of a melody - _within all those glittering stars on the horizon, you must be hidden somewhere. they make me feel nostalgic, because-_. He stops there, and lets the wind carry his voice, what he's managed to sing from the melody tucked away deep at the back of his head. He wonders if it'll get up there, to the stars.

But no, probably- because they're so far away, thousands and millions of years. It's ironic - how the brightest stars look so close but in reality, but they're the furthest away.

Younghoon smiles as he tastes salt at the corner of his mouth.

*

"How much longer? ", Younghoon whines. "I can't see anything! "

"We're almost there. ", Changmin says, shining his flashlight. Younghoon trails behind him, hands in his pocket. "There's only trees here, I don't know what you want to show me, ", he mutters to himself. Spring's cold and he's freezing.

"There, " Changmin goes, with an ever so slight smile, as he brushes some branches away, making the way clear for Younghoon. When the older enters the clearing, his jaw drops.

"Wow, " he's able to say only after a while, and Changmin giggles next to him. "It's beautiful, isn't it? "

Younghoon doesn't answer because he thinks that his face, probably, says enough. Changmin sits down, patting the grass next to him, a signal to Younghoon for him to join.

Younghoon lets himself fall flat on his back, and looks up.

"It's really so beautiful, " he says after a while. And he means it. Younghoon has to say a lot of words that aren't exactly true, like when he's on a family dinner or when he's politely rejecting another girl at school. But here, he's honest - with Changmin, it's like that. He guesses that's what being friends means.

"It's like a dream, " Changmin agrees. "My dream. "

Younghoon finds it kind off amazing that Changmin's so sure of his dream already, at his young age - Younghoon's older and he has less than a clue of what he wants to be. Changmin wants to study astrophysics and knows to what college he'll go and where he'll work and all that. Younghoon's leaning towards the arts, but that's just a hunch. He doesn't know how Changmin knows.

"Look, there's Leo. ", Changmin says, pointing to the constellation just above their heads. " _You._ ", he empathises.

"Is Scorpio somewhere there? ", Younghoon asks, and Changmin shakes his head. "Only in Summer. ", he says and Younghoon hums.

Leo up there is sparkling, shining bright with it's many stars. Younghoon wishes he could shine as bright. He sits up, tilts his head to the side, where Changmin is, and watches the younger - he's lost himself in the stars, eyes darting from dot to dot in pure fascination. His face shines under the moon and there's... this sparkle in his eyes. Maybe it's the stars, but Younghoon doesn't know.

He doesn't know why his heart is beating fast, either. But he's only 15, mind still young.

("Y'know what star's the brightest up there? ", Younghoon asks on the way back. Changmin gives him a look and says, "Aside from the sun, Sirius. " _A smile._

Younghoon acknowledges it with a hum. There's something he wanted to say, a joke, probably, but he forgot.)

*

Younghoon tries listens to all the sounds of the night on his way back - but the forest is quiet, in a deep slumber, and he takes it as it is.

A melody comes to his mind again, and absentmindedly, he sings along.

_"My empty space gets filled up with your colour. That is faint and dazzling; beautiful, warm, mysterious- "_

He can't remember the rest out of it, but he remembers how the music video to the song goes on, with all the beautiful imagery and shots. Truly, it's like a paradise, _Shangri-La_ \- he wishes he could go there, too.

When he reaches the crossroad, Younghoon stops and contemplates - it's late, but they're surely still at work - it's their job to watch the night, anyways.

So he goes against his original plan and takes the way to the observatory. His chest feels a bit clenched, but he pushes that aside - he's here already, so he can go back. Also, he's kind of missed his friends and hanging out there together - he missed staying up there late, watching the skies for asteroids and comets.

Still, after all those years, he's in love with the universe.

*

"The earth is spinning, concealing you. Your eyes shine in the glittering light- "

Younghoon stops when Changmin comes back into his room. He's staring at him with some sort of expectant look, and Younghoon's frozen.

"Go on ", Changmin says finally, "sing on. " There's some sort of a swing in his voice.

Younghoon looks to the side, shy - he's always loved singing, but in front of people he just... can't. But also this is Changmin, and he's looking at him with that sparkle in his eyes that he usually only gets when looking at the stars.

"The earth's spinning, carrying you, " Younghoon sings, reluctant, quietly. He can feel his voice shaking and he doesn't look at Changmin. There's nothing coming from the younger, and that's either good or bad - but Younghoon bites his teeth together, figuratively, and _tries_ , for Changmin.

"carrying us who shall meet some day. " Younghoon ends the phrase there. Silence.

"Your voice is beautiful. ", Changmin says. Younghoon turns around, ready to deflect the compliment with self-deprecation - but he sees the smile on Changmin's face, the glittering in his eyes and his brain registers the tone his voice just had. _Honesty._

And Younghoon can't help it but smile, too - "Thank you. Do you - " he's hesitant, but maybe today, he can be brave, "do you want to watch the movie the song is from? We have nothing to do, so... "

"Of course! ", Changmin says and makes his way over while Younghoon gets his laptop ready. Then he stops just before Younghoon's couch. "Wait, is it an anime? "

Younghoon smiles apologetically, and Changmin chuckles, making a gesture. "Don't worry, it's okay. I'll try it, _for you_. "

Changmin settles down next to him and Younghoon presses play for "Laputa: Castle in the sky. "

Younghoon's so focused on the movie that he doesn't notice time passing around them - suddenly it's dark all around, and Changmin's snuggled up to his side, head leaned on his shoulder - _oh._

Younghoon watches his eyes from just above as the movie's climax unfolds with Sheeta's monologue. _The world cannot live without love_ , she shouts, and the Changmin's gaze softens. Younghoon smiles to himself.

(His 17-year old heart might've skipped a beat.)

"I don't get it, " Younghoon says, dropping the paper of in front of him with a sigh. Chanhee's fully focused on his sheet, only lifting an eyebrow as he scribbles down formulas and numbers. Younghoon, no matter what, doesn't, _can't_ get it - how Chanhee reads formulas like books, knows their secret meaning and how to solve the question in seconds. It's amazing, truly.

"Where are you stuck? ", Kevin says, sliding over. Younghoon points at Question 2 and Kevin hums. "See, you do it like this... "

He says a bunch of stuff and Younghoon kind off understands it now - but he still massages his temples and groans when Kevin's finished explaining. "How am I supposed to get through college when it's - _like this_? "

"Well, " Chanhee says, "you don't have to take astrophysics as your major. It's _your_ choice. " Younghoon gives him a look, there's something he could say but there's many layers to - this, and so he doesn't.

The thing is, he's trying to take astrophysics for _Changmin_ \- because Changmin's taking it, and Younghoon would do anything to not get them separated. Frankly, he'd rather do acting, but there's something, something buried deep at the bottom of his heart that wants to stay close to Changmin.

Perhaps, his friends are aware of this - Younghoon is, too, to an extent - but there's many layers to this feeling, and right he'd probably rather torture himself more with studying for his physics final that dealing with them. They still have time, right?

 _Right. It's his choice._ He still has one.

*

Younghoon knocks on the heavy door, takes a step back and waits. Soon enough he can hear Kevin over the intercom, asking who it is. When Younghoon speaks into it, there's a hum and seconds later, the door clicks open.

His steps echo through the wide metal halls. It feels so empty, feels to big, too lonely - he knows that several people work here, and most of the space is consumed by thousands of machines, computers and telescopes.

When he reaches the main hall, Kevin's sitting at the break table. He's leaning back, makes a gesture with his coffee cup for Younghoon to sit down. The older sways his gaze around - the observatory seems not much different compared to when he's been here last, which was... when?

He finds Chanhee's blue hair peeking out between all the computers - just barely, because he's kind off hunched down, focused on the enigma of numbers and calculations on the screen. Usually there's a few more people, but it's also past 10 PM already.

"How have you been? ", Kevin asks. Younghoon thanks him silently for not speaking so cautiously, not like all the other people.

He exhales. "Good. "

Kevin nods, a smile tugging at his lips, and Younghoon feels relieved. It's always - it's always been easy to be around Kevin, and he's glad that things haven't changed since they were teens.

"We've been - well, I guess. We're just how we were before. Recently we've always been working the night shift. " Kevin makes a big gesture. "That's why no one's here. It's quite nice, actually. "

Younghoon smiles and nods - just slightly. Here, a place that makes him feel _so_ \- much, it's good that he's comfortable - Kevin's good at making people feel comfortable, and he admires him for that, a lot.

Younghoon's gaze falls to the side, and Kevin follows him. He sets his cup down. "You wanna try the telescope? "

He leads the older up to the platform that holds the massive construction. It's impressive; he slides his fingers along the metal that winds and curves so beautifully. When he takes a look through the glass, he's dumbfounded.

Younghoon's surely spend entire minutes staring before he says, "They seem so close. "

Kevin hums behind him, arms crossed. Younghoon feels his gaze on his back. Suddenly it's like he's 15 again - full of feelings and thoughts he can't understand, the only thing he knows is that he's in love with the stars.

He will always be.

"Hey ", Kevin approaches him after another while, "your - finger. ", he says, slowly. Younghoon lets out an 'oh ' and looks down.

"The string, it's shorter. " Kevin says and Younghoon nods. "It's just like Juyeon said. It's burning away. "

"Ah! Chanhee, c'mere! ", Kevin yells across the hall. A head peeks out behind a computer, and there's Chanhee, gaze ever so pointed - he hasn't changed at all, besides his hair colour.

"Hi Younghoon, " he greets him and the older smiles. "Good to see you, Chanhee. "

"Are you going to Juyeon after work? Would you take Younghoon with you? His string of fate, it's- "

Chanhee gives Younghoon a glance and knows. "Sure, no problem. "

"Thanks, Chanhee. " Younghoon smiles genuinely.

Chanhee returns it. "I have one more hour, then we'll head off. You can wait down there - " and there he's already making his way down again. Younghoon looks after him - he's always been a hard worker, especially in school, he's studied for exams countless hours deep into the night, just to - get here. Younghoon admires him for that, honestly.

Younghoon takes a seat at the coffee table and stretches. He might spend the hour just - reminiscing.

*

When he realizes, he's 19.

They're at the observatory, on a nice Summer evening - away from exams and work life, a moment of supposed carelessness.

Changmin walks around like a child, with big sparkles in his eyes, gasping at every single bit of the exhibition. Younghoon trails just a bit behind him, a soft smile on his lips. Just - seeing Changmin like this makes him want to smile.

Changmin talks about asteroids and star systems and galaxies - things Younghoon doesn't get, but he admires that Changmin gets them, like, he knows all those formulas and rules, about gravitation and magnetism. His smile makes his eyes shine brightly as he talks, so Younghoon pretends that he understands and smiles back.

When they reach the telescope, Changmin gets to look through it. Younghoon watches him from the side - and _somehow_ , this Changmin does something to him - his heart starts beating faster, warmth blooms in his chest and a fuzzy feeling spreads throughout his whole body.

Younghoon catches a glimpse of Changmin's eye and he's left speechless - it's like he can see all the stars, the sun and the moon in it. It's like a universe.

Maybe the universe Younghoon's in love with has been in Changmin's eyes all along.

He has that thought, again and again - repeats it a hundred times, goes over it, dissects it until he realizes _what_ this is.

Younghoon's 19 years old when he realizes he's been in love with his childhood friend for years.

He's known already, at the bottom of his heart, but the act of admitting to it and putting _that_ label on it is... a step. There's many, many layers to it that seem to go on for eternity. Younghoon's scared. But he sees the stars again, and maybe things will be okay.

*

"What is it like, to have a soulmate? ", Kevin asks from his work desk. Younghoon looks at him, and the younger immediately looks away, says, "Sorry, I shouldn't have- "

"No, it's okay, " Younghoon reassures him, and smiles slightly. Kevin's shoulders drop down in relief.

"It's, honestly, hard to explain. ", Younghoon starts. "It's like - it's like, the moment you find them, it makes do much sense and it feels like you've found the other half of yourself that you've been missing all along. It's a feeling of completion, really. "

Kevin hums. "I see. I was born without a string, and Chanhee was, too, so I don't really know much about it. But it must be - a great feeling. " He's a bit hesitant with his words.

"Yeah, " Younghoon sighs. "Yes, it is. "

He looks to the side, and he must've looked very troubled, because Kevin lets out an 'oh ' and starts cramming in his bag. He gets out a square piece of paper, and Younghoon looks at him with curious eyes.

"Just watch, " Kevin says as he starts folding the paper. He's quick and skilful, he knows what he does, and Younghoon doesn't. Is it - isn't it like this thing, orikami or what was it called?

Within a minute Kevin holds up the finished piece, a sky blue bird. "It's an origami crane! ", he beams.

Younghoon takes it a bit awkwardly, not sure what to make of it, but he thanks Kevin with a bright smile. "Wow, this is really cool. "

"It, uh, it symbolizes happiness. So take it as a blessing. ", he explains. "So you won't be lonely in Seoul. "

Kevin's a bit unsure of his words, but Younghoon doesn't resent him; he simply smiles and accepts it.

"I'll treasure it. "

*

"Do you ever wonder about your soulmate? "

Younghoon answers with a hum, as he often does, because that seems like the best answer. He looks down and there's his hand, the red string tied tightly around his finger. It fades into nothing after a few centimetres.

"Sometimes, yeah. "

At the corner of his vision he can see Changmin smiling. It does something to his heart.

"I do, too. Right now. ", he says, gaze directed towards the sky. "I wonder who it is. I wonder if it's someone i know. "

"Me, too. " Younghoon says. He omits the _I wish it was you_.

Silence hangs between them like a curtain, and Younghoon wishes it was. There's - so many thoughts his having whenever they're stargazing like this, so many things piled up over the year, just begging to be released. But he can't say a word when Changmin's there. He wouldn't want to destroy their friendship.

"Look, " Changmin says. Younghoon follows his finger up to a bright star in the middle of... is it Leo?

"It's Regulus. ", he says, taking his hand down. "At the front of Leo, it's called 'little king '. One of the brightest stars in the sky. " He turns his head to Younghoon as he speaks, and for a while they just lay there as Younghoon watches Changmin's eyes. He's looking for something for sure, but he doesn't know what.

"If you'd be a star, you'd be Regulus. Because you're like a prince. ", Changmin says and swallows. Something shifts in his eyes but Younghoon doesn't know what to make of it. There's a pull at his pinky, but when he looks, there's only the lone string. He smiles nervously.

Younghoon doesn't like silence. Silence, most of times, is like a wall. It separates, as both await words that won't be said and, in the end, it's all those unsaid words that drive a knife between them, ultimately cutting the bond. It's a moment where anything could happen, and all words escape Younghoon .

But here, in this moment - maybe it's the place, the time or perhaps it's a thing between _them_ \- but Changmin shuffles next to him - he pulls Younghoon over with on arm, makes him rests his head on Changmin's chest. He closes his eyes, and breathes. Younghoon hears his heartbeat.

Younghoon's had so many thoughts, so many feelings, always. He's pieced them together into tiny sentences many times, most of them were never even uttered. But now, where he _could_ say something, there's nothing in his head. A pure blank space.

His mouth opens and closes while he tries to find just even a word. Technically, he could leave it at that, but there's something, an invisible force that tugs at his heart strings, that wants him to say something, _now_.

"Hey Changmin. " It comes out as barely a whisper.

"Yeah? "

Silence is a knife.

"Of all the stars, _you_ \- you shine the brightest. For me. "

The words turn out very cheesy and Younghoon's first instinct is to jump up, run into the forest and never come back. But something, _something_ in his heart tells him to stay, so he does.

"Do you mean- ", Changmin exhales. "Wow. "

A beat. Younghoon prepares himself for what's to come.

"I do like you too, Younghoon. A lot. ", Changmin finally says.

Younghoon repeats the words 5 times in his head before they fully register, and he breathes. Changmin pulls him closer, so that his nose is practically buried in the older's neck. He feels him smile against his skin. It's warm, and Younghoon's content.

There's a tug at his finger, and when he holds his hand, the string on his pinky is shining - it extends, and Younghoon follows it with his eyes closely until he lands at Changmin's hand.

They connect, and then they know.

Younghoon shifts to catch a glimpse of Changmin's face - his smile reaches his eyes, and they shine with the night sky in them, an entire galaxy on its own.

Changmin holds Younghoon close, and suddenly, silence is not that bad anymore - when it's them under the stars, not Changmin and Younghoon under the stars.

It's a warm feeling, and it spreads from Younghoon's heart to his chest through his limbs, reaching his toes and fingers. It makes a smile spread wide across his face, and he wishes he could stay like this forever.

(He knows he can't, but he'll hold the memory close to his chest for eternity.)

*

Juyeon's apartment is an hour from the observatory; it's quite close to the city center because Juyeon works there. Chanhee doesn't talk much during the drive and Younghoon stares out of the window. It's like he hasn't been to Gwangju ever, after he moved to Seoul the city that he's lived all his life in became so unfamiliar, a blurred memory.

The lights of the stores and house fly by and each awakens a memory - he remembers doing this there, the playground he used to go, the park he loved and the convenience store with the nice bread. It all passes by within seconds, never lasting, only fleeting, and he lets out a sigh.

Juyeon's apartment is small and simple, but Younghoon smells the faint candles, which must've been Chanhee's doing.

He's actually never met Juyeon before - only heard of him, from Chanhee and Kevin. Even last month, it was Chanhee that told Juyeon about Younghoon's situation when he remembered that his boyfriend is a soulmate consultant.

However, Younghoon's welcomed like he's a friend, with hugs and carbonara. It makes him smile, and Juyeon tells him to just feel like at home. Which is sort of strange - Gwangju has always _been_ Younghoon's home, even after he moved, but then he felt strangely disconnected with it - now, he's just starting to ease into the feeling of the city again.

After dinner Younghoon explains his entire situation over again, and Juyeon nods and hums like he understands. He doesn't probably - but that's just one thought in Younghoon's mind. At least - at least he's not pitying him.

"If the flame gets closer to your finger, it might start to burn it. ", he says after inspection, gaze firm and tone serious. Younghoon nods. "I can remove it, if you want - it's not that hard, you just heed a professional to cut it. "

Younghoon looks at him and hopes that he can understand what Younghoon means - but he doesn't; he makes an 'and? ' gesture and Younghoon guesses that this doesn't work on anyone else.

"I want to keep it. Even if it burns a scar into my skin. ", Younghoon says. He swallows, and Juyeon nods. "I understand, that's fine. "

Younghoon nods and stands up. "Thank you for your help, but I have to get going now. "

"Ah, that's too bad. ", Juyeon smiles. "But, uh, feel free to always visit us whenever you want. " Chanhee hums by his side. "We're always quite busy, though, so just call me - wait, I'll give you my number. "

Younghoon's almost at the door when Chanhee says, "It was good to see you again, Younghoon. " A smile. "We missed you. "

Younghoon feels the smile spreading across his cheeks and up to his eyes. "I missed everyone, too. It's lonely in Seoul. "

"Well, " Juyeon says, "they'll always be just a call away. "

Younghoon, despite all the warmth around him, feels like crying.

He thanks them many times, and then he's out of the door.

Younghoon doesn't bother doing his night routine when he arrives at the hotel. He can forget about his work pressure for one day; his skin won't cease if he doesn't apply all those beauty products for once.

So he dumps his suitcase in a corner, changes into pyjamas and falls into bed. It's soft, warm, and oddly familiar, like a home he's missed all along. _Home._ Right.

It reminds him of - of Changmin, of cuddles late at night, smiles on his neck and kisses under the moon. So many, _many_ feelings, piled up and stored away in a corner of his brain. He's kept them behind a lock as of recent.

He curls himself around the spare pillow, closes his eyes and it almost feels like it could be Changmin. But not quite either, and Younghoon tastes salt on his tongue again.

Soon enough, though, he's asleep, and dreams of the universe and all the wonders it has to offer.

*

_Warmth._

Younghoon's surrounded by pure warmth, it's all around him, enveloping him fully - but it's core lies just next to him, on his shoulder.

They must've fallen asleep - it was late after all, and they were comfortable, and reality was close to a dream already anyways.

Changmin's breathing slowly besides Younghoon, deep asleep. Younghoon doesn't want to move, doesn't want to risk waking him up.

But Changmin wakes up by himself, opens one eye and closes it again. He mutters something that Younghoon doesn’t verbally understand, but he knows what's meant. He brings up his hand to stroke Changmin's hair - God, it's so soft, Younghoon could rest his hand there forever.

Changmin himself is - soft, and so cute, and wonderful and smart and amazing and loveable. It's one of those moments - where Younghoon just realizes how much he loves Changmin, for everything he is, and how happy he is that they can be together.

In those moments, he can see their string, too - it's faint but it's there, a gentle reminder in red that they _belong_ together, tied from Younghoon's left pinky to Changmin's right. _An eternal promise._

"...don't wanna wake up. ", Changmin mutters, and shifts on Younghoon's shoulder, _closer_. Younghoon lets out a sigh, because _yes_ , he's in love and he _loves_ it - is that even possible? To be in love with love itself?

Well, maybe Younghoon's also just overjoyed - that after years, he's finally together with Changmin. Because, perhaps, his heart has always just _known_ , that they're tied together by fate. It's a relief.

Younghoon nudges Changmin slightly and the younger grunts. "We've got a big day of moving ahead. ", he whispers. "C'mon. I'll even make you breakfast. "

Changmin hums, as he often does. "Sing me something. Sing my favourite song, then I'll get up. "

"Won't that make you just fall asleep? "

"Don't care. I just want to hear you sing. "

Younghoon lets out a sigh, but smiles and starts off the song. "Within all those glittering lights on the horizon, you must be hidden somewhere- "

Changmin's, avid lover of horror movies, favourite song is indeed the theme song of Castle in the sky, which is nothing like a horror movie. It's mainly because he likes listening to Younghoon singing it, and he likes the lyrics and the song means something to him, too. It means -

"The world's spinning, carrying you; carrying us who shall meet one day. "

\- it's just like their red string; a real reminder that they're together, and they always will be. _Inseparable._

(When Changmin finally gets up, Younghoon stays seated a little longer, which earns him a judgemental gaze from Changmin, but he just laughs because he doesn't care.

Changmin's warmth lingers on his shoulder, and he wishes it'll linger forever. He's 23 and got still many years ahead of him, but he's got Changmin, and that makes anything easy. He's leaving Gwangju today, that's always been his home, and he feels just a bit bad - but he's got his actual home very close to him, and he'll never lose that one.

It's another feeling he'll treasure, always.)

Younghoon wakes up - and stays.

He stays where he is, doesn't even move his eyes besides blinking. He just _stares_.

Then, he cries.

There's so, so much - millions of thoughts going around in Younghoon's brain like on a high speed train, and it's _overwhelming_ \- Younghoon feels everything and nothing and he can't even understand his own thoughts. It's a mess, pure chaos; unhinged thoughts breaking free, the dam that usually holds his emotions broken into a thousand pieces.

His phone vibrates and buzzes every other minute, but Younghoon doesn't look, he already knows - it's just pity that he doesn't need, that makes him feel only worse.

He wishes he could go back to sleep, but with - things like these, there's so many formalities; arguing in court, organizing funerals, sending out letters and Younghoon has to be there all the way. It feels almost mocking, as if society doesn't want to respect those who suffer from grief - who'll always suffer, because death _lingers, stays_ ; it's eternal and invincible.

Younghoon doesn't want any of it. It's like all his precious memories are tainted - he sees only monochrome, everything's without colour and _cold_. Is a sad memory even worth being kept?

Younghoon wants to scream, cry more and run into a wall and yell up to the heavens to give him Changmin back. But he knows they won't; there won't be an answer and it all doesn't make sense - doesn't have a point.

His feelings flow free all throughout his body, and it's so much that Younghoon feels like his sinking in them. He closes his eyes, and wishes for relief.

(Eventually, he gets up, tries to do at least one small thing after another before he does the big things. He starts by opening the curtains, and the sun greets him, shining bright and warm as always.

He's left the heaters on over the night, but somehow, Younghoon still feels cold.

The sky doesn't have any stars, either.)

*

First thing in the morning Younghoon goes to the graveyard.

He doesn't have much time before he has to take the train back to Seoul, and he even contemplates not going at all, but here he is now.

Staring at the gravestone, the carved letters and numbers make him - feel weird. Not particularly sad, not particularly happy, just - nostalgic.

Ji Changmin. 5.11.1998 - 26.7.2021.

He's looking at what he's gained - but also what he's lost, and it's truly bittersweet. Younghoon replays all the treasured memories in his head, of laughter and ease, of sweetness and love. Of warmth, of Changmin. In this moment, he's not overwhelmingly sad, he just misses Changmin.

He also replays the 26th of July a thousand times, and he remembers everything only faintly, the honking cars, the dark night and the sirens of the ambulance. Even at the end, Changmin's held the universe in his eyes before he closed them, finally.

At the core of every memory, there's Changmin.

Really, he's always been there - for as long as he can remember. When Younghoon's discovered that they're soulmates, it made so much sense - but now his soulmate is dead, and Younghoon's string is burning away. He won't get another one - he's lost Changmin and that's it.

Changmin was so great, Younghoon thinks - with his dimple smile and his bright laugh and starry eyes and everything he is, everything that Younghoon's loved. After all, he's so, so happy that he _had_ him in his life.

Younghoon feels like crying, but also like smiling.

Grieving is like that, probably- Younghoon's never actually _lost_ someone so he wouldn't know. He should stick with the happy part of it - at least try to - because Changmin's did so much for him, to make him happier, and it's only right. Even if it isn't, this is how Younghoon will do it.

He stays a little longer, then goes away. All of him that'll be left in Gwangju is a bouquet of roses, but even that will wither one day.

Younghoon returns to Seoul late at night.

The city, however, is as bright as ever - it's something Younghoon doesn't like about the place he lives at - there's flashy signs and lights all around, that light up the sky as much that he can't see the stars.

His apartment is cold when he arrives. Younghoon sighs, dumps his luggage in a corner and turns on the heater before he throws himself onto the couch. 2 days have felt too long in Gwangju, and in a sense, he's glad that he's back here, in Seoul.

It felt strange - returning to Gwangju, even if just for a day, as it's the place Younghoon's been at all his life - never moved by a step even. All of him, all of his memories are there - it's his home, really.

Well, it used to be. Now he's here - in Seoul, that's bright and fresh and cold, but he might still need time to warm up to it.

He gets the paper crane out of his pocket and fiddles with it - traces along the folds and edges, carefully crafted by Kevin's hands. It's a piece of home, a reminder of his roots, and Younghoon decides to place it on his nightstand later.

Younghoon's eyes fall onto his string again - it's shorter, almost reaching his pinky. It's been going quicker now, and he watches it for a while, until it's arrived at the flesh - but it doesn't hurt when it burns, he only feels it faintly, a tiny knock on the door of his mind.

It'll be gone in a few minutes - and so will the faint thread that connects Younghoon to Gwangju and all there is. He closes his eyes, and decides.

When he opens them again, he feels no different - but the string is gone. All he's left with is a tiny mark, wrapped around his finger like a ring.

_"The red strings of fate wrap around one's pinky finger, because it's a promise of the soulmates to be always there for each other, even after death. "_

What has once been his home won't be anymore - but that's not bad, Younghoon is just - moving on. And Gwangju will be a memory, a happy one, always close to his heart.

Changmin is in Gwangju, and Younghoon is in Seoul. He has to leave Changmin like everything else, but that doesn't mean he'll forget him.

In fact, when Seoul's lights don't cloud the sky, Younghoon can see the stars, and it's reassuring, because he knows that Changmin's in one of them.

*

What Younghoon loves about the stars is that they're always there. Even during the day, they shine as bright as they can.

And when Changmin laughs and smiles, Younghoon sees the light in his eyes, and thinks that he's a star, too - the brightest of them all.

He holds Changmin close, the only star he can reach, and feels the warmth, and feels relieved.

**Author's Note:**

> [ the song that carried me through this fic ](https://youtu.be/1KPqWlluUcIN)  
> fun fact the star younghoon was referring to in the beginning is called antares aka the heart of scorpio. one of the brightest stars in the sky  
> Please leave a comment or find me on [ cc ](https://curiouscat.qa/Shoseilover) or [ twt ](https://twitter.com/shoseilovemail)


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